You Do Not Age Out of Being Seen

I am so tired of reading articles about what women “of a certain age” should and should not wear.

You know the ones. Stop wearing this after 50. Avoid that after 60. Dress to hide this, minimize that, and please try not to draw too much attention to yourself.

I recently came across one written by someone who could not have been more than 25. I realize these pieces are often intended to be helpful, but the underlying message is difficult to miss: at some point, women are expected to become quieter, safer and less visible.

I am not particularly interested in doing that.

I love wide-leg pants. They suit my frame, they are comfortable, and I love the movement they have. So when one of my younger friends mentioned seeing low-rise, wide-leg jeans at Aeropostale, I decided to go try them.

When I asked a very young sales associate where they were, she looked at me and said, “Are they for your daughter?”

She was not being unkind. She genuinely seemed to be trying to help.

Photo courtesy of my friend and fashionista Lauren Osborne

I laughed and told her, “No, they’re for me.”

She was immediately embarrassed. A few moments later, I said, with a smile, that she might want to be careful about making that assumption. I also told her I have a son, not a daughter.

Then I went into the dressing room, which had perhaps the least forgiving lighting ever installed, and thought: Well, at least she didn’t ask whether they were for my granddaughter.

The staff could not have been nicer. I bought one pair, ordered another, and I absolutely love them.

But the experience stayed with me.

As a photographer, I have found that women in their 50s, 60s and beyond can be some of the most hesitant to update their photographs.

Many are still working, leading businesses, starting companies, changing careers and becoming more visible professionally. Others are entering an entirely new chapter. Their children may have left home. They may be rebuilding after a divorce, returning to a passion they put aside years ago, or finally creating something that belongs entirely to them.

Yet this is often the very age when women become afraid of being photographed.

I understand that more than I once did.

Aging is not for the faint of heart. Your face changes. Your body changes. The things that once felt effortless may no longer work in quite the same way. And we live in a culture that is not especially subtle about reminding women that youth is considered valuable.

But I do not believe the answer is to try to return to an earlier version of yourself.

The answer is to move forward and become more fully who you are now.

For me, a few seemingly simple things have made an enormous difference. I found a hairstylist who gave me a bob that feels modern, stylish and completely like me. I also discovered some wonderful resale shops and began finding clothes that feel interesting, individual and beautifully made.

Those things helped me leave the house feeling stylish again, not because I was trying to look younger, but because I looked like myself.

And from that came something more important: the confidence to appreciate everything I have accumulated over the years.

Experience. Judgment. Perspective. A stronger voice. A clearer understanding of who and what matters.

I have been through enough that I no longer need everyone to understand me. I have people in my life who care about me and respect me, and that is enough. But I also know that what I have learned can reassure someone younger who has not yet developed that perspective.

There is power in that.

So, to the woman who knows she needs a new headshot but keeps putting it off because she does not look the way she did ten or twenty years ago: please do not wait until you somehow become younger, thinner, less lined or more comfortable with every part of yourself.

That day may never arrive, because that is not really the point.

Give yourself some attention. Find a haircut you love. Put on something that makes you feel interesting. Rediscover your personal style. Stop trying to disappear into clothes, or photographs- that feel safe but say very little about you.

Do not try to go back.

Go forward.

A good portrait should not erase your age or turn you into someone else. It should show the intelligence, strength, warmth, humor and individuality that are already there.

You have not aged out of style.

You have not aged out of relevance.

And you have certainly not aged out of being seen.